I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
