After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
