Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
