I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
