What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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