I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
