there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
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Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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