i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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