Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
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