I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
