I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
