If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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