12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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