he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why are your pants in the freezer?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
