I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
