My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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