I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
