Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
