allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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