Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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