i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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