What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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