I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
