i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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