She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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