Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
