He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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