my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
