took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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