The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Welp...herpes.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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