Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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