Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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