I got chris browned last night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
sex in a hospital.. check
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
