She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
they need to just BURY HIM!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
