just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
