I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
