Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
