not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
