I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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