So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
