I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Be still, my beating vagina.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
