I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
