We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I've blown a few things in my day
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
