I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he shaved USA in his pubs
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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