My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
