....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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