Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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