There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
