last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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