Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
