Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
