Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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