Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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