So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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