The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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