my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
