i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
