Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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