I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
